Love Wins

My imagination has been running wild lately and I would like to put a halt to it. Hannah leaves for college in a week and here is what I have been imagining:

  • Roommate troubles
  • Wild & raucous parties
  • Orgies
  • Hemorrhaging money
  • Her first drunk dial home
  • Wanting to go anywhere but home for the holidays
  • Lost cell phones
  • Academic probation

19023330_10155464312578216_2640556330581430746_oI have no idea where any of this is coming from. Hannah has always been a great kid, a solid student with awesome friends. Why does a mom’s brain always go to worst case scenarios? It is a paralyzing pattern fueled by my crazy imagination. Well . . . maybe also fueled by personal experience and her three older siblings.

But I will break this pattern with brain training. Here is a productive (and healthy) image:

  • Hannah will build her communication skills with her roommates
  • Her parties will be civilized and infrequent
  • She will get a small job and save money
  • She will call us every week (sober)
  • She will miss me
  • She will excel

This is going to be tough.

My human brain also runs rampant with worst case scenarios, but lately the most horrifying thing is that those images are not my imagination.

  • Neo-Nazi’s and other white supremacy groups are marching in the streets in battle fatigues and armed with assault rifles
  • Two leaders of nations with nuclear capabilities are playing a horrifying game of chicken
  • Russians hacked our elections
  • Healthcare for women is under attack
  • #notmypresident is a spineless, infantile, misogynistic, ignorant, demagogue

We are living in horrid times. I am feeling as nervous, scared, anxious and uncomfortable as I was right after the election. This is not the world I want to launch Hannah into. And frankly, I don’t need this added stress just days before sending my youngest off to college. Can I just call everyone home, snuggle, watch movies, play games and hide from the world? A few good rainy days (or even weeks) forcing us to stay inside would be helpful. So would potato chips, popcorn, Milk Duds and Reese’s.

But no. What I need to do right now is more brain training and set an example. I must be a kind person and send loving energy into this ugly world and hope that the ripple effects keep Hannah as well as Emma, Ross, Max, Kate and Carter – and everyone else I love safe.

  • I will shower my family with love – always
  • I will do my best to look everyone in the eyes and smile
  • I will not shadow my heart with judgements and prejudice
  • I will use my voice to stand up to bigotry and hatred whenever and wherever I see it
  • I will advocate passionately for reproductive rights, gun violence prevention and climate justice

I live to support my children and grandchildren and help them find their way to peace and happiness. Through all this we will do our share to make this a world of peace. This part should be easy.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.  –Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.20729363_10155696593743216_7517340660322051388_n

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Warm Glow

Black and white negatives. I don’t even remember when or where I found them, or how they got on my desk.  Occasionally I held the strips up to the light, thinking “it’s been at least a decade since I’ve used film” or “I can barely make out any faces.” I did however recognize my brother Pete. Of course I recognized him, he always stood out.  I was pretty sure I saw Andy and George too. But for some unknown reason I concluded that these negative’s were Pete’s, not mine and I often wondered why they made their way to my desk. Pete died almost two decades ago yet artifacts of his keep appearing in the strangest places.  These were obviously not something that needed my immediate attention. So I kept putting them down, still within reach, but definitely out of priority range.

But I kept these film negatives on my desk knowing that one day I would make prints.  I would tell myself that I would get to it eventually. A label applied to many an item on my desk.  It’s what I do – get to it eventually.  I put off doing anything about it; I didn’t even rank them it in priority as there is so much going on in my life and in our world that needs my immediate attention.

Well, I got to it last week. I’m not sure if it was the holiday spirit that got me reminiscing or something more mysterious. On the other hand it may have just been the frenzied pre-holiday ritual of clearing my desk before December knowing that not much else will be accomplished in the last month of the year.  But I took those negatives to the camera shop and lo and behold, they were mine. Snapshots in time, circa 1980.  A flashback to a time of wonderment, excitement and electricity and a trip back to a place of laughter, friendship and yes some debauchery.

I’m still not sure when he put those negatives on my desk, but I’m pretty sure I know why I printed them when I did. It’s the holiday season, a time to laugh, love, reminisce and feel the warm glow of all those souls (both departed and still with us) that have touched our lives.

May the spirit of those souls that have touched your life keep you warm, smiling, and full of love this holiday season.  Share that warmth with everyone you see.

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Bah Humbug

I’m having trouble finding the Christmas Spirit this year.  It all started with a trip to Target.

I was recently part of an Early Response Team in New Jersey.  I spent 3 days working in the name of God.  Throwing families personal possessions to the curb for the back hoe to dump into the semi headed for Pennsylvania’s land-fills; ripping out the floors, walls and souls of well loved homes, and mucking through black sludge in a hazmat suit not really wanting to know what that smell was.

Upon my return I desperately needed razor blades. As I walked into Target that morning I was immediately struck by the intensity of the lights in the place and the absurdity of the muzak humming in the background.  I have made jokes about being a “Stepford Wife” in the past, but this time I REALLY felt like one.  So much so that it made my stomach retch. The copious quantities of crap that assaulted my eyes as I walked to the health care aisles offended my sense of being. I picked up my pace, grabbed my $15 4-pack of Venus cartridges and fled to the great outdoors.

In the parking lot I stood, waiting for my head to stop spinning.  Breathing – panting at first actually. But eventually my breath returned. I went home and showered.

Two weeks later and my home is the warm, cozy winter retreat that it always is – some decorations up, roaring fires in the evenings and gentle music to soothe away the day. But I still don’t have a tree up and I’ve only casually considered Christmas Cards.  And baking? Really not happening.

But in this moment that all seems OK.  Maybe I really have found the spirit this year that I never really had before.  Advent is about waiting, finding the joy, feeling the love and welcoming the child. A light is burning in me, just casting a different glow this year. A softer one. A glow found in the anticipation of something new: the love, peace and serenity of a clean-shaven life.

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